Why Isn't 'Should' Considered A Swear Word?
I don't remember the first time I heard the term "old soul", but I'm pretty sure I haven't heard the term "young soul" with anywhere near the same frequency.
"She's such an old soul. So much wisdom."
What about young souls? Suddenly youth isn't interesting? Maybe we're supposed to have great wisdom, wisdom beyond our years, packaged in physical youth. Actually, I think that's exactly it.
Though I can't remember the first time I heard the term old soul, I know I've always wanted to be that. I want to be the person that people talk about when saying "she has such profound insights", and "her wisdom is so deep".
I've had this lurking feeling, trying to be seen, but getting shoved down each time. This feeling that maybe I’m not an old soul. Maybe I don't have some magnificent lineage of past lives that lead me to being the Great Teacher, the speaker of truth, the knower of all things important. And why does that sound like a character description from Game of Thrones?
Maybe it sounds like fiction because it's kind of ridiculous. What if I allow that feeling I push down to come on out and reveal itself.
Well, in doing that I had to own that deep down inside, I don't think I'm an old soul.
Maybe I'm a middle aged soul. Can a soul have a mid-journey crisis where I buy a sports car and make unwise choices? Nah, if anything a middle aged soul would try and pose as an old soul with all her wisdom.
Fun fact: did you know that wisdom in the New and Old Testament is always referred to as a noun with feminine pronouns? Cool, right?! Anyway...
It's kind of humbling to realize that I may not be nearly so wise and old-soul awesome. Maybe I'm really ordinary, my imposter syndrom was right all along. Damn. I really enjoyed my delusions of grandeur.
After the shock of being knocked down a few pegs, something else started to happen. After the dust of all that humbling settled I felt something new.
Is relief that right word? Yes! That's exactly the word. All the mistakes that I've beaten myself up over, all the arrogant statements and clueless actions that affected other people, even animals, start to look like part of my soul's journey.
Gary Zukav calls this blue marble we live on "Earth School", where our souls come to learn the lessons we're meant to learn.
My rusty self-awareness gears grinding away, trying to line up this new information, with an occasional puff of smoke coming out of my right ear as I struggle to assimilate it all.
Ok, ok. Let me get this straight. So If I were a child, a student in school no one would say "why are you in the second grade?! You should already know all this."
Yet this belief that I'm an old soul has had me doing exactly that to myself. Rather than looking at my mistakes as the life lessons they were, they were just another way to flog myself for not already knowing everything.
If I'm completely honest, this should have been obvious a long time ago. The things I've felt very pleased with myself for learning were often really basic life skills around "how to play well with others", and using my words.
But there again, that word "should". Such a toxic word. I should have known better, I should have recognized it sooner.
The relief of the recognition is still illusive as I work on giving up ‘should’.
How about I reintroduce myself. Hi, I'm Lauren. I make a lot of mistakes because I'm learning, but I promise I'm house-broken. I'm working on giving up all those shoulds.
Brené Brown talks about how much easier it is to be happy when we give people the benefit of the doubt. When we choose to believe that everyone is doing the best that they know how to do. What if we gave ourselves that same grace?
*Typos and grammar errors provided for your entertainment.
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