Boundaries, Train Wrecks, and Inner Transformation

Meditation Alchemy? What does that even mean?

I have a subscription to the Washington Post just so I can read Carolyn Hax; she writes an advice column. In the past, when I would read those kinds of columns, they felt a little like watching a train wreck that you knew was going to get worse, but Carolyn’s column was different.

Coming from an alcoholic family, boundaries were not part of our landscape. I’ve even met therapists who misunderstand boundaries and argue against them, but not Carolyn. She taught me about boundaries, again and again, from different perspectives. It felt like a breath of fresh air. I noticed that other advice columns started understanding boundaries better too, though not always.

I would say that the core of Carolyn’s message is that we can only change ourselves, and often that means changing how we respond to the world around us. That we have to accept people as they are or move on. If we get upset over things that don’t actually affect us, then that’s something we choose to do.

Recently, I read another column. Reading this was part education on human nature, and part procrastination. This letter was from a wife who lives with her husband in a medium size condominium building. A good friend of the wife is on the board that manages the details for the building. 

Since we’re in the midst of a pandemic, and there are discussions everywhere about masks and safety, that was the subject of this situation. The Board had posted signs around the building regarding mask wearing, and whatever other rules had been agreed upon. 

At this point I expected the conflict to be about wearing masks, since that’s a common area of disagreement. But, to my surprise, that was not the issue. The issue was the number of signs posted. The husband in this scenario was very displeased over the number of signs around the building, he felt it was excessive. 

So he took it upon himself to write an aggressively worded message to the board, admonishing them for the excessive signage. It turns out the wife’s friend is the person responsible for the signs. 

I’ll pause to acknowledge that this is all long winded of me, I promise I’m getting to the point here soon.

Now the wife is writing in for advice on what she should do, since her friend is now upset with both of them, and the wife feels like she’s being put in between her husband and this friend.

Without any kind of smooth segue, we’re going to shift for a moment.

You’ve probably heard of Taoism. You may know it’s the foundation for Traditional Chinese Medicine, Feng Shui, Tai Chi, and a bunch of other things. Maybe you already know that “Tao” means The Way. 

If you’re not already familiar with Eastern Philosophy, The Way is typically about the flow of energy. It can be the flow of energy in the Earth and our homes (Feng Shui), in the human body (acupuncture, massage, etc…) or any number of other ways that the flow of energy can be considered.

Taoism is older than Christianity, and probably older than Buddhism (which is about 2500 years old). Like Buddhism and Hinduism, there is a strong emphasis on meditation. Meditation is the process through which we cultivate our own energy and facilitate inner transformation, which is called Neidan. 

Neidan literally translates to inner alchemy. Since meditation is an essential tool for Neidan, I think of it as meditation alchemy. 

Through pursuing this inner transformation, what we’re doing is refining the essence of who we are. We are gaining mastery over our mind, through focused attention and intention. People often say “where attention goes, energy flows”.

If you’ve ever watched any martial arts movie, you can probably remember the common pattern of our hero fighting and struggling. Then she seems like she might lose, but then she pulls her focus together, she regains her center, and she prevails. 

There’s a reason that’s in every movie, and why all martial artists study some form of meditation. Sometimes it’s moving meditation, but it always works by cultivating energy and strengthening the focus muscle.

The mastery we gain from Neidan shows up in how we exist in the world. The energy people feel when you walk into a room, the way we respond to stressful situations. It helps us see the ridiculousness of becoming upset over the number of signs posted where we live. It keeps us from sabotaging our own happiness by acting out over things that have no meaning. 

Imagine that wife telling her friend she’s sorry her husband is such a curmudgeon, but that she appreciates the work the board is doing. That would have been easier than writing to the advice columnist.

Imagine if the husband had chosen to be amused by the number of signs. What if he sent a letter thanking the board for their very, very thorough messaging, and obvious interest in the wellbeing of their neighbors? 

I don’t remember the exact advice the columnist gave, but I do remember it wasn’t what Carolyn would have advised.

Back to that inner transformation stuff. Imagine having the mental spaciousness to see that you can decide how to feel about something. Or imagine still making the mistake, but then being able to see how foolish it was and to do the repair work by apologizing. 

Imagine appreciating others and assuming that everyone else is doing the best that they know how to do. (this last sentence, I stole it from Brené Brown, because it’s life changing) 

So that’s what meditation alchemy is, it’s the tool that can give you the peace of mind that comes from giving yourself and others the benefit of the doubt. It comes from a greater capacity for kindness.

Meditation Alchemy is the inner transformation that increases our capacity for kindness, and our ability to choose happiness.

*typos and errors provided for your entertainment.